::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
As an elder care consultant, I find
nothing more frustrating or sad than to see a caregiver overwhelmed
with guilt. I see caregivers that are working 80 hours a week but
still feel there is more they can do. I've seen caregivers who's
marriages have fallen apart under the pressures of caregiving yet
it's not enough. They give and give but find it's not enough to push
back the feelings of guilt.
Guilt is that painful feeling of
self-reproach that results from a belief that you have done something
wrong or immoral. Guilt can be a positive thing in terms of “doing
the right thing”. It can be our internal voice that tells us we
are not following our mom's wishes or that voice that nudges us to
reach out to estranged siblings. But more often than not I see
caregiver guilt based on unrealistic expectations. The expectation
that as a caregiver you can “make things right” if you just work harder and do more.
::GUILT ISSUES::
1. Difficult relationship: If your parent
wasn't there for you when you needed them, can you be there for them
now? This is a tough questions and the answer is not easy.
2.Intense loyalty: The flip side of a
difficult relationship is a parent who sacrificed everything for you
and now you want to do the same for them.
3.Society and Cultural pressure: There is
definitely some societal pressure to “do right” by our parents
and in some ethnic groups or religions that pressure can be very
intense. Are there society, cultural or religious issues that are
intensifying your feelings of guilt.
4.Family Dynamics: In many family
structures, there is one individual who takes on the responsibility.
They expect it of themselves and it is expected of them. Are you not
willing or able to take on the responsibility any more?
5. Survivor Guilt: I was facilitating a
support group once and a client was expressing how guilty she felt
about admitting her husband to a nursing facility. After some
probing, I uncovered that the guilt was not about the actual
admission but about how good she felt. She slept through the night
for the first time in years and felt guilty about it.
When a caregiver is knee deep in
caregiving and you add one of the above issues in to the mix, the
guilt can be overwhelming. Guilt becomes a big problem when it
becomes the driving force behind the decisions that families make.
When a caregiver or family is basing decisions on guilt vs. knowledge
and understanding, the results can be disastrous. If you see yourself
as that person that is driven by guilt I encourage you to reflect on
what the issues are behind your guilt and address those issues. You
owe it to yourself and your family.
::STRATEGIES FOR COPING WITH GUILT::
1. Embrace your feelings and identify
them. Realize that feelings are honest and they are what they are.
They are neither right nor wrong. If you don't acknowledge them, they
will eat you alive.
2. Ask yourself this, is my guilt based on
an unrealistic expectation of myself and my family? Is it realistic
to expect yourself to be able to work 40 hours per week at a
professional job, take care of kids, do volunteer work, have time for
your marriage and be a caregiver to an aging parent.
3. Reach out and get help. There is no
need to suffer in silence. Find a support group, seek professional
counseling or find help online.
4. Keep a journal. Write down all the things you do in a
day, express your feelings, frustrations and accomplishments.
5. Visualize putting your guilt in a box,
gift wrapping it and setting it up on the shelf for another day. Or
better yet, throw it in the trash!
Don't let your guilt
keep you from being the best caregiver you can be. Your guilt can keep you
from experiencing the joys of caregiving of which there are many.
Understand that you will be a more effective caregiver if you set
your guilt aside and make your decisions based on knowledge and
understanding. You will feel better and be better prepared to fulfill
your role as caregiver.
If you or someone you know is struggling in their caregiving role, I encourage you to visit the Toghers web site for that one on one help that caregivers need!
::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
